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Author Topic: Jokes & one liners  (Read 31419 times)

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Offline Oz Bolt

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Re: Jokes & one liners
« Reply #15 on: January 28, 2014, 08:46:50 pm »
A married man should never remember his mistakes.

There's no point two people doing he same thing.
Good things come to those who wait...greater things happen to those who get off their arse and do something about it.

Offline kimtony77

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Re: Jokes & one liners
« Reply #16 on: January 28, 2014, 09:33:38 pm »
Hahaha

Offline Oz Bolt

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Re: Jokes & one liners
« Reply #17 on: January 30, 2014, 04:06:20 am »
Farmer vs Lawyer
An English lawyer went duck hunting in Truro . He shot
and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a
fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer
drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator
responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to
retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Cornwall. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

    The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

    The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

    The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

    His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

    Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

    When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.


    When you're intelligent, you know which half.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things happen to those who get off their arse and do something about it.

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Offline Oz Bolt

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Re: Jokes & one liners
« Reply #18 on: January 30, 2014, 04:07:42 am »
   Aussies vs Kiwis

    Three Australians and three Maoris are travelling by train to a Rugby match at the World Cup in England .

    At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maoris buy just one ticket between them.

    "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies.

    "Watch and learn, bro," answers one of the Maoris.

    They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Maoris cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

    Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

    The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on. The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So, after the game, they decide to go one better on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

    When they get to the station for the return trip, the Maoris again buy a single ticket between them. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!!

    "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Maori.

    "Watch and learn, bro, " answers an Aussie.

    When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet, and soon after the three Maoris cram into another nearby, and the train duly departs.

    Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Maoris are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

Good things come to those who wait...greater things happen to those who get off their arse and do something about it.

Offline Oz Bolt

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Re: Jokes & one liners
« Reply #19 on: February 01, 2014, 06:37:35 am »
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... Then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles
Good things come to those who wait...greater things happen to those who get off their arse and do something about it.

Offline Oz Bolt

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Re: Jokes & one liners
« Reply #20 on: February 01, 2014, 06:38:28 am »
A Private is called into the Sergeant's office for a dressing-down:
"Private, I did not see you at the camouflage drill yesterday!!"
"Thank you, Sergeant."
Good things come to those who wait...greater things happen to those who get off their arse and do something about it.

Offline olfrt

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Re: Jokes & one liners
« Reply #21 on: February 01, 2014, 05:25:34 pm »
Aaahhh, apathy, I can't be bothered.
To be old and wise, first you must be young and stupid.

Offline Oz Bolt

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Re: Jokes & one liners
« Reply #22 on: February 01, 2014, 06:36:30 pm »
One of these days I'm going to get help with my procrastination problem.
Good things come to those who wait...greater things happen to those who get off their arse and do something about it.

Offline ShakerNorm

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Re: Jokes & one liners
« Reply #23 on: February 01, 2014, 09:20:53 pm »
I know how you feel, Oz.  I'd be a much better procrastinator if I ever got around to it.....
NOBODY hates winter more than a Canadian Biker!

Offline Bout2Bolt

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Re: Jokes & one liners
« Reply #24 on: February 27, 2014, 06:49:23 pm »
Man walks in to a bank and demands everyone lie on the floor before he robs it. On his way out he says to the first guy on the floor, "Did you see me rob this bank?". The man says, "Yes, I did"...BANG!...shoots him dead. The robber goes to the second man on the floor, "Did you see me rob this bank?". The man says hesitating, "Uh...yes." BANG!...shoots him dead. He goes to the third guy and says, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man says, "No I didn't, but my wife here did!" 
Bout2Bolt :D
James

Offline Bout2Bolt

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Re: Jokes & one liners
« Reply #25 on: February 27, 2014, 08:51:20 pm »
The World's Oldest Professional!

A doctor, and engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional.
The Doctor said "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helpd with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman.
"No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world.
"Wait," Said the engineer "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized civilized place from utter choas?"
"And WHO created the chaos?" said the lawyer.
Bout2Bolt :D
James

Offline Bout2Bolt

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Re: Jokes & one liners
« Reply #26 on: February 27, 2014, 08:55:29 pm »
School Punishments!

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny,Pat?"

"I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"
Bout2Bolt :D
James

Offline Bout2Bolt

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Re: Jokes & one liners
« Reply #27 on: February 27, 2014, 09:23:11 pm »
Three Wishes...

A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers she found a little lamp. She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when "POOF" out popped Genie. "I will grant you three wishes" proclaimed the Genie.

The woman thought for a moment and said "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around."

The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp.

The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in Large Bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash.

Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood. There in the feline's place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush. She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly, "Now, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"
Bout2Bolt :D
James

Offline Oz Bolt

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Re: Jokes & one liners
« Reply #28 on: February 27, 2014, 11:38:49 pm »
:) :) :)
Good things come to those who wait...greater things happen to those who get off their arse and do something about it.

Offline Oz Bolt

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Re: Jokes & one liners
« Reply #29 on: March 10, 2014, 04:07:48 am »
Something you should know before marrying an Aussie woman



Good things come to those who wait...greater things happen to those who get off their arse and do something about it.